Transactional Analysis and Games People Play
It’s almost afternoon and there’s no news from him/her. You become restless but still assume that everything would be working fine and gently give a pat on your own back to appreciate yourself. Suddenly, as you are about to leave for the day, PM/Senior storms into your cubicle, firing you for an issue that surfaced in the release. The heaven you enjoyed throughout the day suddenly turns into hell. You get irritated yet defensive. You try to defend yourself for the issue but the senior is in no mood to listen. “I had told you umpteenth times to follow the processes. Do your documentation properly. But you never listen! Look, what you have done now. Now, stay here and clear the mess you have created”, he barks at you and again, storms out. Poor you could only mumble, “I myself am confused how this can happen. I really dunno what to do” Fortunately, another colleague of yours just comes round the corner, tries to soothe you and says, “Ok. Now that we know we’ve got a problem, let’s concentrate on the solution, instead of putting blame on someone and letting him defend it” He helps you with your task and you manage to make home by 11 PM. You toss and turn in your bed wondering with mixed feelings about whatever happened.
I wish that nobody should go through such an incident but then this, indeed, is a familiar scenario. In this small incident itself, one could see three different personalities, their attitudes and feelings. Even you yourself have changed your moods from tired yet pushing, to a satisfied and happy, to anxious, to scared and then again a mixture of Satisfaction, Anger and anxiety.
Ever wondered why you feel what you feel? What is that that stimulates your mood? Who controls your feelings and reactions? Well, they say, “Mind has its own reasons which the Reason is not aware of!” Many philosophers like Aristotle, Kant contributed in their own ways to find the reasons of the mind, laying up the base for Psychology.
But if there’s one name that pops up in our mind when we say “Psychology”, it’s Sigmund Freud. It was he who first pondered upon the human behavior and the things that influence it, in the early 20th Century. He proposed that Human Personality is essentially made up of three components: Id, Ego and Superego. In brief,
Id: Person’s inherited unconscious psychological impulses; the irrational and Emotional Part of Mind
Ego: The part of the mind that reacts to reality and has the sense of individuality; the rational part of mind.
Superego: This is the advanced part of the mind that acts as a conscience and responds to the social rules; the Moral part of mind.
This also means that human mind is multifaceted. Thus, a person is not one single component but a mixture of them, colliding and crossing each other, imprinting the person’s thoughts, behavior and feelings.
The Freudian thoughts prevailed and are still considered the foundation of psychology. But this branch of science lacked an important thing: A fundamental Unit. There was no such unit available in Psychology, the way we have atoms in Chemistry.
In late 50’s, a psychoanalyst named Dr. Eric Berne thought of an approach quite contrary to the then beliefs. While the methods used by Freud and Co were individualistic i.e. revolving around an individual, Berne stressed on the social intercourse people have as the base for his study. Rather than Freudian method of keeping “I” or “Me” at the center, Berne proposed that it is easier to analyze a behavioral problem simply by witnessing what is said or how something is done by an individual.
He coined the term “Transactional Analysis” – the method of studying the interaction between individuals. In 1958, he penned a paper named “Transactional Analysis: A New and Effective Method of Group Therapy” in which he defined Transactional Analysis as:
“The unit of social intercourse is called a transaction. If two or more people encounter each other... sooner or later one of them will speak, or give some other indication of acknowledging the presence of the others. This is called transactional stimulus. Another person will then say or do something which is in some way related to the stimulus, and that is called the transactional response."
What is so different about Transactional Analysis?
In early 50’s, Berne handled many cases as a practicing psychiatrist at Carmel, California. Treating his patients, he noted down the subtle non – verbal changes the subject goes through during the session. In one such counseling session, Berne treated a 35 year old lawyer. During the session, the lawyer (a male) said "I'm not really a lawyer; I'm just a little boy." But the outside world knew this patient as a successful, hard-charging, attorney. Later, in their sessions, the lawyer would frequently ask Dr. Berne if he was talking "to the lawyer or the little boy." Berne was intrigued by this, as he was seeing a single individual display two "states of being." Berne began referring to these two states as "Adult" and "Child." Later, Berne identified a third state, one that seemed to represent what the patient had observed in his parents when he was small. Berne referred to this as "parent." As Berne then turned to his other patients, he began to observe that these three ego states were present in all of them. As Berne gained confidence in this theory, he went on to introduce these in a 1957 paper - one year before he published his seminal paper introducing Transactional Analysis.
Please note that no person could always be under control of any one of the “Parent”, “Child” or “Adult”. Depending upon the various phases of life and even the day, these three states control the behavior of an individual.
The Characteristics of the three states:
Parent: The parent represents a huge collection of recordings in the brain of external events experienced or perceived in approximately the first five years of life. The external events may include anything that a kid experiences from the people nearer to him. As the majority of the external events experienced by a child are actions of the parent, the ego state was appropriately called Parent. The parent is authoritative, rigid and patronizing.
Physical - angry or impatient body-language and expressions, finger-pointing, patronizing gestures.
Verbal – “always”, “never”, “for once and for all”, judgmental words, critical words.
Child: Contrary to the Parent, the Child represents the recordings in the brain of internal events associated with external events the kid perceives. In other words, the Child represents the feelings and emotions that come along with the external events. Again, these are also built by the age of 5. The Child uses “Really” “That was Great” “It scared me” Here again, it does not necessarily mean that use of “Great” or any such word is an indication that the Child is in control. The Child state means that the emotion (anger, despair) is overpowering Reason.
Physical - emotionally sad expressions, despair, temper tantrums, whining voice, rolling eyes, shrugging shoulders, teasing, delight, laughter, speaking behind hand, raising hand to speak, squirming and giggling.
Verbal - baby talk, I wish, I dunno, I want, I'm gonna, I don't care, oh no, not again, things never go right for me, worst day of my life, bigger, biggest, best, many superlatives, words to impress.
Adult: Adult is when the kid starts to differentiate between what he observed (Parent) and what he felt (Child). 'Adult' is our ability to think and determine action for ourselves, based on received data. The adult is the means by which we keep our Parent and Child under control. If we are to change our Parent or Child we must do so through our adult.
Physical - attentive, interested, straight-forward, tilted head, non-threatening and non-threatened.
Verbal - why, what, how, who, where and when, how much, in what way, comparative expressions, reasoned statements, true, false, probably, possibly, I think, I realise, I see, I believe, in my opinion.
Also, while analyzing the behavior:
Only 7% of meaning is in the words spoken.
38% of meaning is paralinguistic (the way that the words are said, pitch, tone etc.).
55% is in facial expression.
To sum it up:
Parent is our 'Taught" concept of life
Adult is our "Thought" concept of life
Child is our "Felt" concept of life
According to Berne, effective transactions (i.e. successful communications) must be complementary. They must go back from the receiving ego state to the sending ego state. For example, if the stimulus is Parent to Child, the response must be Child to Parent, or the transaction gets 'crossed', and there will be a problem between sender and receiver.
For example, the fevered kid asks for a glass of water, and the nurturing mother brings it. In this case, the “Child” of the small kid directs an inquiry to the “Parent” of his/her mother. “The Parent” of the mother acknowledges this stimulus, and then gives the water to the kid. In this example, the “Child's” request is the stimuli, and the “parent” providing the water is the response. If the response doesn’t go back to the stimulus i.e. if the mother doesn’t listen and bring kid a glass of water, it’ll surely lead to an ineffective communication and a hostile feeling.
Berne’s theory became immensely popular amongst the common readers when he put forward his, otherwise not so interesting, concept in the form of a book “Games People Play”. Essentially, these are real time scenarios that capture the various patterns of human nature.
He defines these games as:
“A game is an ongoing series of complementary ulterior transactions progressing to a well-defined, predictable outcome. Descriptively, it is a recurring set of transactions... with a concealed motivation... or gimmick.”
I would just quote one of these interesting games.
Blemish:
Theme: Fault Finding
Purpose: To keep everyone, including oneself, looking in the other direction rather than the problem.
Blemish is commonly played by the subject with the attitude I’m – better – than – you in order to compensate for a depressive (I'm not-OK) primary position. By constantly pointing the finger at the shortcomings, real or imagined, of others, he/she avoids the spotlight and having to examine her own feelings of inadequacy. This person rarely ever gives straight complements or genuine praise. There always follows the conditional modifier: "That is really quite nice, except…"
Blemish players never feel comfortable around someone until they locate some convenient handle for fault finding. There is often a role switch, with the subject shifting to a Rescuer mode - "I hope you don't mind honest criticism . . . I'm only trying to help you . . . " and may follow it up with, "but that's OK, even I do that myself sometimes . . . let me show you how I deal with it . . . ," attempting to initiate a twisted form of closeness.
Chronic Blemish players are universally annoying to almost anyone without a strong uncompensated inferiority/ masochism streak. Consequently, their circle of friends is often severely limited, and relationships are generally seriously dysfunctional, mutually parasitic, power paradigms.
The “Games People Play” book remained the bestseller on the New York Times’ list for 2 years (really) becoming the first of its kind non – fiction book.
Dr. Thomas Harris, who was a student of Dr. Berne, expanded his mentor’s Parent – Child – Adult framework and applied them to various walks of life like Marriage, Career etc. in a book named “I’m Ok – You’re Ok”. This is another good book describing how the feeling of “I’m not Ok – You’re Ok” and other such combinations lead to various scenarios and which ego states would go hand – in – hand.
Finally, I find all the psychology fundamentals mentioned above are quite practical. Finding out – guessing – the state of the mind of the person you are interacting with would surely help make better communication.
Well, the Mind is really Mind – Boggling…
Regards,
Abhishek
P.S.:
In the past two Gyans I had talked about the way we make our decisions and the factors that influence them. So here’s just a small note on “decisions”
I should have… I would have… Oh…I could have…
Many a times, I see myself and almost all of us saying, “Had it been two years later, I surely would have done it” “If the opportunity would have come a year earlier, I would have grabbed it” and all such ifs and buts. But they say, “Hindsight is always 20/20” That means, if you would have been presented with the same situation and asked to make the choice, you would have surely made the same decision! After some time moves on, you could analyze the situation that prompted you to take that particular decision and hence, that hindsight is always pure, unbiased. So, if the choice you made is, indeed, appropriate to the then situation, why worry about things later?! Moreover, when we are wasting our time worrying, we are missing out on even more opportunities. Well, it’s all easy to say but hard to act upon but I would just like to end this longest Gyan so far with a telling anecdote:
A passenger was traveling in a train. With no place to sit, he was standing and carrying his heavy bag, shifting the weight time and again. The conductor came to him and said,” Sir, you can keep the bag down. The train is capable of carrying both you and your bag!” May be it’s time for you to let the train carry the load!